Saturday night, and I'm listening to my favorite radio show, and playing 20/40 at DL. Most NPR stations around the country play Classical music in between the news and views, but here in Seattle, NPR on KPLU at 88.5 FM, it's Jazz and Blues instead. Saturday and Sunday nights is "All Blues" from 6:00pm to midnight. I just love, and rarely miss, this show. It's streamed, and you can check it out at http://kplu.org
So I'm minding my own business when this younger smartass player, JT, points at me, and says "Is that a Walkman? Damn, Sarge, you still use a Walkman? Hey, look, he still uses a Walkman!"Yes, had the headphones plugged in to a 10 year old Sony Walkman Cassette/AM/FM player. Well, the radio is digital, not analog, so not THAT ancient, but still. And it reminded me how some other smartass kid had made fun of me over the exact same thing at the Muckleshoots, about 4 years ago. The implication then, and now, was that the old fart is laughably behind, still living in the yesteryears of technology, not even into the new millenium yet. Well, this time I just wasn't gonna take it. Can't deny the old fart part, but . . .
"Look," I tell him, producing the Sprint HTC EVO from my innermost t-shirt pocket. "Here's my 4G phone & mobile hotspot." Then, from another shirt pocket, "And here's the corporate BlackBerry."
Then I hoist the clear plastic (security-friendly) small backpack with my Sony VAIO mini-laptop, and various accessories, from the floor at my feet: "And you know I got half of Radio Shack in here. So WTF you talkin' about?" All this got a good laugh from the table, as well as a look and a gesture from JT, that said I had successfully redeemed myself. Fine.
Just about then the dealer starts pitching cards for the next hand. I'm UTG, and I don't have time to put the EVO back into the t-shirt pocket, so I set it on my chair, and kind of "tuck it in" to hold it there, until I can play this hand.
In other words, I'm half sitting on my phone, and look down at pocket Eights. I limp. The guy right behind me limps too, but then a raise from late position. Both blinds call, and I call too. But then the guy between me and the raiser 3 bets, then raiser caps, both blinds still calling. Well, shit, let myself get trapped good this time! I call. 20 bets in the pot.
Flop comes 446, two hearts, blinds check, I bet, and it's three bets when it gets back to me. I cap it. You might think that preflop action should scare me, make me think someone has a bigger pair, and I'm just just burning chips. Yeah, maybe. But with these guys, it's just as likely they're all betting and raising draws or overcards. So what really scares me is the two more board cards yet to come.
Nobody folds, now pot is 40 bets, and the radio is playing Janis Joplin, Piece of My Heart, from the Cheap Thrills album.
Dealer brings the turn: 9d. SB checks, BB goes all-in for $20, and Janis sings: "I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and TAKE IT ! "
Before continuing, I should mention that my phone, which I have in the heat of battle forgotten that I am sitting on, is always on vibrate. And did you know that it's actually the battery that does all the vibrating? And the EVO is a notorious battery hog, so I got the double big, double capacity extended battery in mine. Point is, just as I'm contemplating Janis' advice, and considering putting a move on this pot, my honey texts me, and it was one of those times that the carrier's text server, or maybe her phone, decided, for whatever reason, to break her message into two parts-- you know, (1/2) and (2/2).
So my phone vibrates twice for each part, four times in all, rapid succession, and I get a totally unexpected Cheap Thrill, while listening to Cheap Thrills. Well, if that's not a sign, a signal, that yes, it's time to make my move, I don't know what is. Plus, when those surprise jolts arrived, I kind of involuntarily twitched a little, maybe squirmed in my seat some too, enough that a couple opponents noticed, and looked at me questioningly. Seems like I have, quite accidentally, given off a fake tell that says I *really* like that turn card.
So I ask the dealer, "How much can I make it?" I know damn well I can make it $60, but I want the table to hear me ask! I make it $60, and everyone but the BB folds! 42 bets in the pot after the dealer pushes my raise back to me (cuz nobody called it.)
So now heads-up, the dealer puts the Jack of Spades on the river, and my all-in opponent just mucks! Dealer pushes the pot to me. Mikey and the crew are just dying to know what I have. Should I show it?
Probably not. Keeping it a mystery would be best. But my opponent should have shown, and made me show, and yet he didn't. So I was overcome somehow by the idea that, in all fairness, the table was entitled to see my hand. Yeah, I know, this surprises me too. Fairness? In Poker? Don't make me laugh.
But I did turn it over. One guy groaned-- folded his Jack on the turn. Results-oriented thinking. Mikey says "You raised with just pocket eights?"
"I didn't play just pocket eights," I tell him, perhaps saying too much. "I played THE SITUATION."
Cost, Chance, & Payback. This time the $40 Cost of that turn raise was small, compared to that BIG $800 Payback, and the Chance seemed good enough.
Taking that pot down was nice, but even sweeter is the dynamite business idea inspired by this whole episode of "surprising new application for a phone on vibrate."
Have you ever paid money, maybe put a charge on your credit card, for Phone Sex? No, of course not. Me neither. Shoot, I don't really quite know what the hell Phone Sex even is, or why anyone would want any. What's the deal? You pay to talk on the phone with some supposedly hot young babe (but who probably is actually a 62 year old Grandma in hair curlers) and she says sensual things to get you excited? I don't get it. What good are words, without touch? Where's the tactile sensation that real sex is all about?
So my new startup company, Vibraphonexxx.com, will coach clients to use a bluetooth headset for the voice part, then put their phone on vibrate, and SIT ON IT throughout the encounter. This way, the operator can punctuate all the sexy things she says with brief but frequent texts, thus augmenting the erotic dialog with actual physical stimulation, at exactly the right moments. Can you say "Leaves the competition behind, buried in the dust" ??
Yes, I know you are completely in awe of, and overwhelmed by, the sheer genius of this entire concept. Thankyouverymuch. Sometimes I do come up with ideas so clever, so brilliant, that I amaze even myself. This was one of those times. Patent Pending, and © Copyright 2011 Sgt Rock/Ada-Z Systems.
But I also like to share, and so for you, my readers, I offer a special opportunity. Would you like to ride this gravy train along with me, and make a bundle too, like I will? If yes, if you want to get in on the ground floor, and invest in Vibraphonexxx.com, just give me a call.
Better yet, text me. I'll be waiting.
